An Invitation to be Thankful

"In the palace, in the land of mercy, the king looked down from His throne. He saw the sick and the homeless and hungry. He saw me lost and without hope. And moved with compassion He sent out His only son with the invitation...to come.

So I stood outside the gates and trembled in my rags of unworthiness; afraid to even stand at a distance in the presence of holiness. And just as I turned to go, the gate swung open wide. And the King and His only Son....they invited me inside.

This is your invitation. Come just the way you are. Come find what your soul has been longing for. Come find your peace. Come join the feast. Come in. This is the invitation.

So now will you come with me to where the gate swings open wide. The King and His only Son are inviting us inside. ~Steven Curtis Chapman, "The Invitation".

As young children we are taught to say please and thank you. Somehow, through our adult life, we forget those simple words. "Please excuse me" turns into "move" and "thank you" turns into "it's about time!" We all seem to grow up and lose sight of our manners and our up-bringin'.

Once a year we stop and are thankful and we vow to carry it over into our lives in the new year. But the new year comes and school and work and troubles creep in and somehow the thankfulness we felt in November has dimmed to the light of an almost burned out flashlight. With each step it gets dimmer and dimmer until we are left walking in darkness. We eventually trip over something in the road and that is where we should drop to our smooth, unworn knees and begin thanking God. Most of us, though, skip over the thanking and head straight to the "get me up from here" prayers. We could stand a little more time on our knees. I love to see kids with skinned up knees. It means they've been out playing and falling down and running and jumping and living life like a kid should. I love it more when I see the scars and scrapes and cuts of adults who have lived out something down on their knees. And when they get up, they limp a little because wrestling something out with God can take it's toll on a person. But you see, when God allows or even invites His children to wrestle with Him, His constant goal is to make us over-comers. Even when God appears to be against us, He is for us.

"We are to walk as people who have encountered God, and some of our most transforming encounters are wrestling matches."

So keep up a thankful spirit this year and into the next. You never know what's around your next corner. There could be blessing untold and I pray that it is. But it could be a dark season, with the loss of a child, a job, a home, a family or your health. Thank the good Lord above for the things you do have. And if you're having trouble finding something for which to be thankful, drop on down to your knees and look at your life from a little lower place. When your nose is to the ground, you might just be closer to your promised land than you ever dreamed.

Happy Thanksgiving and may God bless you all richly. -

Chemo #3-Stand Your Ground

I love mashed potatoes. They fall under the category of "blessing" in my book. Due to the chemo and the sickness I've felt after each treatment, mashed potatoes have been my bread AND my water. And as much as I love mashed potatoes, I'm getting a little tired of them.

God seems to work that way in my life as well. Sometimes I will hear a sermon, study a lesson, or in passing have a conversation with someone and the theme is always the same. That's when I know God Most High is trying to tell me something. Don't tell me it's a coincidence. It's a God-incidence. God speaks to me in a language I understand and He knows how hard headed I can be. Therefore, in His patience and everlasting love, He brings up a point to me time after time, until I finally understand and it sinks into the marrow of my bones and I can live the thing out.

Chemo #3 has been nothing out of the ordinary physically. But mentally, emotionally and spiritually, it has taken it's toll. The point I believe God is making to me is to stand. My good friend, Tammy, brought it up to me today. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you what you've been thinking all along. God is good that way and He is urging His children to believe that He is believable.

For those who grew up in church, you've no doubt heard of the armor of God. Ephesians has always been one of my favorite books of the bible, and the armor of God described in Ephesians 6 is no small thing to me. It is how we maneuver the battles we face in life. I love how the bible describes heaven and the joy we will have there and the home that God has prepared for us. But God didn't create us and leave us here to figure it out on our own. Jesus said in John 10 that He came so that we may have life, and have it to the full. God did not create us, put us on this earth, give it a whirl and said, "I'll see you in heaven." He knew we would need some help. So, among other things, He gave us the armor of God.

I love how Paul writes what he knows. He was chained in a prison in Rome. He saw the soldiers each and every day dressed in their armor. My favorite piece of armor is the belt of truth. It comes first because the other pieces of armor hooked to the actual belt of the Roman armor. You can't wear the breastplate of righteousness and the sword of salvation without some truth to hang it on. Each piece of armor protects a major part of the body: the waist, the chest, the head, and the feet. Isn't in interesting that there is no armor for the back? Why? Because God never intended for His children to turn their back on their enemy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: we are allowed to intimidate the kingdom of darkness.

And so as God has brought me through this journey of cancer, He has driven home the point to me over and over that I must fight. Today I had no strength to fight. So I called Tammy. She is a lifelong friend whom I love dearly. I told her I was having trouble focusing and thinking. I was becoming paranoid and feeling as though my life will never be the same again. Praise God that through His blessing, all can be recovered.

As I was talking to her about how I believe God has asked me to fight this battle and how I've prayed to keep my armor on, she said to me, "Oh Candy. It also says to stand and we will hold you up if you can't stand." She's right. 4 times in Ephesians 6:11-14, the word stand is used. I recalled how in Exodus 17, Aaron and Hur held up the arms of Moses while the Israelites battled the Amalekites because as long as he held his arms up the Israelites were winning. And he got tired so his friends held up his arms for him.

Praise God that our weaknesses do not strain His strength and that what we see with our eyes and understand with our minds is not the only thing God has going. We talked today about the the spiritual battles going on all around us. John Eldridge writes referring to Daniel 10: 1-3, "Something has happened that Daniel doesn't understand. I think we can all relate to that. We don't understand about 90% of what happens to us, either. Daniel is troubled. He sets out to get an answer. But three weeks of prayer and fasting produce no results. What is he to conclude? If Daniel were like most people, by this point he'd probably be headed towards one of two conclusions: "I'm blowing it", or, "God is holding out on me." He might try confessing every sin and petty offense, in hopes of opening up the lines of communication with God. Or, he might withdraw into a sort of disappointed resignation, drop the fast, and turn on the television. In an effort to hang onto his faith, he might embrace the difficulty as part of "God's will for his life." He might read a book on "the silence of God." That's the way the people I know handle this sort of thing.

And he would be dead wrong.

On the 21st day of the fast an angel shows up, out of breath. In a sort of apology the angel explains to Daniel that God had actually dispatched him in answer to Daniel's prayers the very first day he prayed - three weeks ago. (There goes the whole unanswered prayer thesis, right out the window). Three weeks ago? What is Daniel to do with that? "The very first day? But....I've....I mean, thank you so very much, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but......where have you been?" "You haven't blown it, Daniel, and God isn't holding out on you." The angel goes on to explain that he was locked in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel, a demonic power of dreadful strength, who kept him out of the Persian kingdom for these three weeks, and how he finally had to go get Michael (the great Archangel, the Captain of the Lord's hosts) to come and help him break through enemy lines. "Now I am here, in answer to your prayer. Sorry its taken so long."

It is a good thing to stop and remember that God is completely in control and that He never asks His children to do something and then not provide the strength to carry it out. And sometimes though the battle rages on around us, God only asks us to stand. Steven Curtis Chapman's song Believe Me Now says, "You hear the enemy that's closing in around you and I know that you don't have the strength to fight. But do you have the faith to stand?"

Thank you Tammy, for allowing God to use you and for all the prayer warriors you called upon to help me stand today. Y

-

Meet Me In The Middle

I love the book of Joshua. I love the story of the enslaved Israelites who go from slavery into their promised land. I love how they had to fight for it. I love that God was with them every single step of the way. And I love that they did, indeed, finally finish their race.

However, I also hate that my life parallels their journey. In my first sentence out of the gate of this blog I wrote, "It's not that I hate the color pink." I've changed my mind. I now can say with surety that I HATE the color pink. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month as you probably know. I'm pretty sure we're all well aware of it by now. Somebody needs to find a cure for the thing! I hate that the journey the Israelites took was so long. I hate that I can look at it from my 21st century point of view and say, "Don't they get it? Don't they understand?" And I know full well that if I'd been there with them I'd have gotten myself into the same messes. It's like watching a horror movie and saying, "Nooooo! Don't go into the scary basement by yourself!" I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate that seasick feeling I get from it. And I hate the middle of the journey.

My Momma will tell you that when we'd go on a trip anywhere--and I mean anywhere--I'd continually whine, "How much further?" I hate the journey. I just want to get where I'm going without any stops along the way. I was fortunate enough to go to Hawaii 2 years ago and besides the blisters I got from walking on hot pavement in cheap flip flops, the flight was definitely the worst part. 10 hours on a plane with me was no picnic. I fidget. I whine. I look for things to occupy my mind and my time. I can't read in the car because I get carsick. Throwing up was an almost weekly occurrence. (Be sure to ask my sister, Angie, why she hates Krystal to this day and my Momma why she thought I was allergic to chocolate when I was little).

In Joshua 3, the Israelites are standing at the edge of the Jordan river. We're all familiar with the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and God parting the waters of the Red Sea. This is another less familiar story of God parting the waters for His children. At the end of Joshua 3, Joshua tells the people of Israel, "As soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord--the Lord of all the earth--set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap." I love that Joshua makes it very clear that the ark of the Lord is the Lord of all the earth. And don't you love that word 'heap'? I've heard of a heap o' trouble (and I've been in a heap o' trouble, but I'll save that blog post for my Momma to write!) but I've never heard of a heap of water. The bible says the Jordan was at flood stage. Those who live in Nashville or saw it on the news back in the spring remember the Cumberland River being past flood stage. That was a heap of water!

I've read this story probably a hundred times. But somehow I missed the last verse of chapter 3. "The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completely crossed on dry ground." How did I miss the part where the Lord's presence was "standing firm" in the middle of the Jordan?

The Hebrew word for firm is kuwn (koon) and it means ready, fixed, set, certain and to be stable. My seasick stomach and I could use a little stability right now. I think my favorite definition of the word is accomplish. Don't you just want God to accomplish some things in your life? Can we just finish some things up?

I've told some of the members of my family that after I finish radiation we're going to have a party. It's going to be Candy's After Cancer No Pink Allowed Party. But for now I'm in the middle. And like every other journey in my life, I'm wanting to be finished. I want to get to my destination.

In Joshua 4, God commands the Israelites to collect 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan and set up a memorial that God parted the waters yet again. As one of the ministers at Hendersonville church of Christ used to say, confession is good for the soul; bad for the reputation. So here's my question and confession: Did any of them dare grumble like I would have? Did any of them say, "Oh, for cryin' out loud! Can't we just get a move on?" I don't know. But it sure sounds like something I'd say.

My 3rd chemo treatment got rescheduled for Monday, the 25th. My family has a gathering at the park every October and I love it better than Christmas and Thanksgiving. We get there early and cook breakfast. People bring crockpots full of chili and we bring hot dogs and sit around the fire and we draw names for Christmas. And one of my favorite activities is the annual Ward family kickball game. We laugh until we cry (or pee on ourselves) and we have a ball. We stay until dark and before it's over I'm already thinking of next year's day in the park. I told Dr. Yardley about it and asked if I could have a mini dose of chemo so that I'd feel good for Saturday. She suggested that I wait until Monday to have chemo. I understand why she made the suggestion and I appreciate it so much. She said she's a bigger advocate for my Saturday than I am. But it was a stop in the middle of this journey. And I whined about it. The reason for my whining? I just want to get it over with. I didn't want to postpone it. I'm dying to get this journey over with. The end of December (when my last chemo is scheduled) can't come soon enough.

There are people out there who say, "Just sit back and enjoy the ride." Why?! I don't understand. I have some very dear friends who will hop in their car in Nashville and drive to Atlanta to the Varsity for a hamburger and then drive back home. I don't understand. I know people who like to take Sunday drives. I don't understand. That's precious nap time! I know people who love to read books and devour every page. I don't understand. Just tell me what the plot is and whodunit.

When I had my 5 surgeries back in the summer (yep, I added them up! 5 surgeries in 3 1/2 months!) I would come home from the hospital and would lay on the couch. I would try my hardest to stay awake. I think I was afraid I was gonna miss something. That might be why I hate journeys. I'm afraid something is happening out there, lingering in my future and if I don't get there soon, I'm gonna miss it.

So I have to remind myself that God is standing in the middle watching over my every move. And if I move too far ahead without Him, I'm toast.

I still hate the middle. But I'm learning from it. This place is not a happy place, but it is a good place to learn.

Chemo #2: Fight or Flight

You know what they say about defense mechanisms, right? Most people either have fight or flight as theirs. God has been gently showing me over the years that mine tends to be flight, but He would rather me fight.

I didn't voice it much during the time, mostly because I didn't want to get on this blog and talk about God and His strength and all my blessings and then whine when something went wrong, but the 1st week of chemo was AWFUL!

OK.....looking back it wasn't THAT bad, but when I'm in the heat of the battle, my tendency is to flee the scene. Quickly. I can remember as a child, I would be working on a homework problem or I'd ask my daddy to fix something for me and when it got tough I'd say, "Oh, just forget it." I can't tell you how many he'd look at me and say, "Baby, you give up too easy." (I love that my daddy STILL calls me baby!)

And he was right. I do tend to give up too easy. I believe that's why God, at times, keeps me on a short leash. He tends to make some things in my life very difficult because He's teaching me to fight instead of flee, and to lean on Him.

During the 1st few days after chemo, I suffered a sinus infection, a double ear infection, acid reflux like no one has ever had before (ok.....not really, but it was painful!) and I thought I had a bladder infection. The antibiotics they gave me had their own, really gross side effects, which I am choosing not to disclose. :) The anti-nausea drugs they gave me made me very dizzy, which made me nauseated. Go figure. And I was only taking them as a precaution. I never felt nauseated once!

By day 5 after chemo, I was ready to call Dr. Yardley and tell her she would not be seeing me again.

I seriously had visions of them trying to nearly kill me to heal me. Chemo messes with your head a little. Or maybe it was just Satan trying to weasel his way into the mix. Either way, I was not happy during that 1st week.

Chemo #2 has gone a LOT better......so far. I had one of the best conversations with Dr. Yardley I've ever had. She spent a lot of time with me, asking me questions and answering mine. She seemed very concerned about the acid reflux and even lowered the dosage on one of my chemo drugs which can cause acid reflux. She added an extra dose of Prilosec each day for the 1st week after chemo and also added another prescription (which I call glorified Maalox) to take the 1st week. She also changed one of my anti-nausea drugs. She said for most people it makes them sleepy and sedated. But for a few select people (that would be me) it makes them a little hyper and doesn't combat the nausea.

We decided I would be her problem child right now. (My words, not hers).

We had a really good visit. Possibly because she also told me 3 things, which were music to my ears: 1) the nausea will not get worse. I was taking the nausea drugs as a precaution, but I'm not doing that this go around. She said typically, however nauseous you are the 1st treatment is what you'll experience the rest of the time. I could've kissed her! And I wasn't nauseous (until I took the anti nausea drug, which she changed. Confused yet?) 2) "Your numbers and blood work are phenomenal. On paper it doesn't look like you've had chemo". 3) "You will become more tired, but right now, you look great. You are wearing the chemo well".

So I walked out a little happier and a lot more relaxed.

I went straight to the chemo room. And waited. And waited. And waited some more. I told y'all last time, Barbara the bread lady comes on Wednesdays. I seriously think that's one of the reasons it's so crowded. (This week she had banana bread, chocolate chip banana bread and zucchini bread, which I picked. YUMMY!) But because it's so crowded and I believe because she changed one of my dosages of chemo drugs, they had to enter it in the computer and it just took longer. Plus it was just packed. I was 6th in line but those 5 people ahead of me could've been newbies (or probies as Tony on NCIS calls them). When you're new, they have to get you to sign some paperwork and give you a welcome packet and go over all the drugs and side effects. It just takes awhile. So I sat and talked and waited. 2 1/2 hours later, they finally got to me. It really did fly by for me (but you might want to ask Scott and Angie if it flew by for them). By the time I was finally done with all the IV bags and syringes of drugs, it was 4:00. I had arrived that morning at 7:45. It was a LONG day. We're gonna seriously have to find the pizza delivery guys number.

I felt fine when I left, other than being extremely hungry. We went to the Macaroni Grill afterward and once I got some food in me, I felt human again. My sweet friend, Pam, fixed dinner for us, which we will eat tonight: pot roast with potatoes and carrots, rolls, cinnamon fried apples, frozen fruit salad (pink stuff as I call it) and for added comfort: banana bread. Y'all need to be friends with Pam. She's a great person and a great cook!

Today I have felt really good, other than I didn't sleep last night. I went to bed at 9:30 and fell asleep, only to wake up wide awake at 12:45. I never did go back to sleep. I didn't even doze for a few minutes. I'm pretty sure it's the steroids they give you before the chemo drugs. It stays in your system for a day or two, then it will go away. It's 3:37 in the afternoon and I'm not that sleepy. Just a little tired.

So I'm going into this next 3 weeks not quite as scared. I've lost my hair, I've not been nauseated, I'm armed to the tooth with acid reflux meds and my sinus and ear infections are pretty much gone. Unless a new side effect occurs, I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Now y'all know I have to leave you with a bible verse. My niece, Jennifer, wrote on my wall on Facebook yesterday and said this: "You are 'wearing the chemo well' because of your faith and the power of prayer. It's time to use our weapons that God gave us to get through stuff like this." And she's exactly right. One of my favorite quotes is from John Eldridge. If you've never picked up one of his books, I'd suggest you start with Waking the Dead. This quote is long, but please read the whole thing. It's great: "Onward Christian soldiers marching as to war? You've got to be kidding me! We gave up the hymn not so much for musical fashion but because we felt ridiculous singing it. We don't sing it 'cause it ain't true! We have acquiesced. We have surrendered without a fight. We've exchanged that great hymn for a subtle but telling substitute, a song that is currently being taught to thousands of children in Sunday school each week, which goes something like this: 'I may never march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, shoot the artillery. I may never fly o'er the enemy but I'm in the Lord's ar-my. Yes sir!'......There is no battle and there is no war and there is no Enemy and your life is not at stake and you are not desperately needed this very hour....but you're in the Lord's army. Doing WHAT, may I ask?"

He's right. We have acquiesced. We have given up without a fight. But we're in the Lord's army.

OK.....so with God consistently teaching me to fight, here's the verse I found very comforting. King David must've struggled with this a little bit too, even though he was a man after God's own heart and eventually, was a great warrior. Psalm 144: 1-2, 5-7 reads, "Praise be to the Lord my rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. You are my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield in whom I take refuge. Part Your heavens, O Lord, and come down; touch the mountains so they smoke. Send forth lightning and scatter the enemy; shoot Your arrows and rout them. Reach down Your hand from on high; deliver me and rescue me!" I love that he starts out saying, "You train MY hands and MY fingers." But then toward the end it's almost as if he's saying, "But God....why don't you just come on down here and fight this battle for me. I can just fight by you or maybe I'll just go to my fortress. C'mon God....deliver me and rescue me (translation: get me outta here!)" I love that David was so easy to understand because he sounds a lot like us, doesn't he? You've gotta love somebody who's honest enough with God to say, "I love you and I want to be close to you and I need you but can we just skip this lesson God? And by the way......I've got a bone to pick with you." And they just lay it all out there. And really, isn't that what God wants from us? A relationship and not just a religion? You might as well tell Him what's on your mind. He knows it anyway. It's not like you're gonna surprise Him with some information He didn't already know. Plus when you confess it, and I mean confess it ALL, it gets it out of your system and makes room for His healing and His love and His Spirit to just flow through you. And you might just sleep a little bit better and walk through your day a little bit lighter and a whole lot closer to our loving God. Amen?

Everybody have a great rest of the week and weekend and get out and enjoy what I call "the most wonderful time of the year". -

Candy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hair Day

There's nothing better than a good hair day. Amen? I saw a sign the other day that read, "The higher the hair, the closer to God." :) Isn't that just precious? A good southern woman must've come up with that.

My hair is neither good nor high these days. In fact, it's gone. The chemo will do that to ya.

Dr. Yardley told me when I began seeing her that between days 10 and 14 my hair would begin to fall out. And what hair I had left at the 2nd chemo date, would be gone soon after. Days 10, 11, and 12 showed no signs of my hair falling out. But day 13 was a different story. It was this past Tuesday.

I was getting ready for work and taking one last look in the mirror before I left. I noticed a couple of hairs out of place right behind my ear. I tried to put them back in place but they came out into my hand. I gasped and said to myself, "It's starting." That was a dark day for me. I was depressed the rest of the day. I prayed and asked God to help me not cry at work. By the time I got home, I was getting on my own nerves, whining about it and struggling between letting it all out in a good cry and sucking it up and being strong. I got in the shower Tuesday night and half expected all my hair to come out when the water hit it. It didn't. But I decided then to have my good cry.

I woke Wednesday morning and felt much better about things. Yes, it was still falling out, but I was dealing with it better. Thursday rolled around and I had the top down on my car. I could just see me riding down the street, top down, wind in my hair, and my hair coming out in clumps, blowing back onto the cars behind me. "Honey! Was that a bird we just hit?" I cracked myself up just thinking about it. Friday I went to breakfast with a friend and did a little shopping. I noticed that my scalp was getting sore. Even lying my head on the pillow at night hurt. By Friday night, I'd decided that my hair had to go. By this time I was able to pull out large clumps of it and it was extremely thin.

Saturday morning I had some errands to run. And when I got home, it was time to shave my head. I sat in the chair and cried. It was a gradual process, using guards on the clippers from largest to smallest. My hair is now about 1/4" long. And even though I hated losing my hair, I don't regret shaving it. I have some pretty large bald spots on it.

The woman I met at my first chemo treatment who has brain cancer, Darlene, told me to get a satin pillow case. I went to Walmart looking for one last night but couldn't find one. Instead, I bought a slip. ha! I slid it over my pillow and it worked beautifully. When you are used to having hair, then all of a sudden you don't, a regular pillow case can pull your hair and it feels like you're raking your head through sand. The satin makes it easier to move your head around while you're sleeping.

I went to the Predators game last night and wore a hat and headscarf. I did the same thing at church this morning. The compliments I received were overwhelming.

So, the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad hair day..........God turned it into a blessing. As usual.

I'll tell ya......it sure does make it easier to get ready in the morning when you don't have to do your hair!

The hair thing was my rock bottom so far. And as far as I'm concerned, I can only go up from here. And I have nothing but thanks and praise in my heart tonight.

Everybody have a great week! -

Anybody Else Need Some Pala?

In my attempt at keeping myself occupied yesterday, I was looking back at some old notes I'd made from a bible study I participated in several years ago.

I was trying to keep occupied because I've been suffering the last 2 days with acid reflux and heartburn. I have prided myself over the years because I've never suffered from either of these. I didn't even know what it felt like. So you can imagine my surprise and dismay when I started feeling the symptoms. It felt like someone had poured acid down my espoghus (which, basically, had happened if you think about it). It also felt as if someone was sitting on my chest. Someone asked me if I felt as though I were having a heart attack. Thankfully, no. I didn't jump to that conclusion. However, it was extremely painful. Still is. But I'm dealing with it. After all, that's part of the fight, right? And thank you so much for all the suggestions regarding how to deal with it. Some of them, though, I ain't tryin'. There's no way I'm mixing vinegar with water and drinking it.

Anywho, as I was trying to hold off a panic attack at the thought of going through 5 more chemo treatments, while also trying to get some relief from the horrible pain (I never claimed to be a STRONG fighter....I'm a WHIMP!), I was looking over my notes and came across something interesting.

In the book of Joshua, Joshua has been given the task of leading the children of Israel across the Jordon River, to possess the promised land. I find it interesting that Joshua sent spies to "look over the land". In other words, we gotta see what we're up against.

In Joshua 3:5, Joshua tells the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you." Consecrate is one of those words I grew up hearing, and always nodded my head in agreement to it ("Yes, Lord!") but never really knew what it meant. The King James Version reads "Sanctify yourselves." That's not much clearer. So, to the Lifeway.com online bible I go. Turns out it means to be set apart, dedicate, devote, prepare. It also means to be tabooed. Really? That doesn't sound so good. However, cancer is a taboo in some circles, and going through chemo sets me apart from most of the crowds I run with, so I figure I'm good, right? :)

The thing that stuck out to me yesterday, though, was the phrase "amazing things." I could use some amazement about right now. I'm not talking about being a "wonder junkie". I realize that not every day can be a mountain top experience. But I could use a little amazement. So I looked up the phrase "amazing things" and it's translated in the Hebrew as pala (paw-law'). It means wondrous, marvelous, be extraordinary, to be difficult to understand. But my favorite meaning is "to be beyond one's power; to do an extraordinary or hard or difficult thing."

Right now, I could stand to be "beyond my power." I would love to do an "extraordinary or hard or difficult thing".

Chemo is hard. A lot harder than I ever dreamed. (I DID say I was a whimp!). And then I realized that the Word does not say I (how come you can't type much of an emphasis on the word I?) will do those amazing things. It says the LORD will do amazing things. Just for kicks and grins I looked up the word LORD in this verse. It means Jehovah. It means "the existing one". It also says it's the "proper name of the one true God."

Did your Momma ever call you by your proper name? I remember one time when my Momma called me Candace Joyce Ward. I knew she meant business and although I'm certain I gave her a large share of headaches, I'm pretty sure I never ever did whatever I did to get her to use that name with me again.

God, using His proper name, Jehovah, is going to do amazing things in my life. Hallelujah! I could use some pala. How about you?

Chemo #1, Day 3

Hello! Just wanted to update you on my progress through this first chemo treatment.

Today has been a little weird, but still not bad. I've been more tired.

I have 3 anti-nausea medications. At first I was told to take them around the clock for 48 hours. Then I was told I could take them as needed. It was a little confusing.

Emend is the 1st one I take and it was yesterday and today, in the morning. It's a 24 drug, only taken 1 time a day.

The 2nd is Zofran, which you take every 8 hours. The 3rd is Compazine, which you take every 6 hours. They all block different receptors that make you nauseated. The problem is the Zofran and Companzine both say they can make you dizzy or drowsy. It almost makes you feel worse than the chemo.

I had dinner with some friends tonight who are in the medical field. They both said Companzine can be very hard on a body. They said it is mostly given as a last resort for nausea. I think for the next treatment I'll only take the Emend and only take the other 2 if I need them. They cause my tongue to feel a little swollen too and make my mouth dry. But the worst is they make me feel like I've either had a 50 gallon drum of caffeine, or like my blood sugar has plummeted.

So....lesson learned. We'll see how the next treatment goes.

Day 10 is the day when my immune system is supposed to really drop. Thankfully, that's a Saturday. I'll mostly stay in that weekend. I'd hate to get sick, and I'd feel horrible if I made someone else sick too. A weekend mostly inside won't be too bad. I'll put my fall decorations up and do some fall cleaning.

My hair should also start falling out in about a week. That will be a tearful day, but as my friend Lyn said last night, it's the start of getting better. It will only fall out once and then it starts growing back. And as my friend Maria said, just think how many hair styles I get to try while it's growing back out. Plus I have lots of cute (well........I think they're cute) hats and headscarves and bandanas to wear while I'm bald. ha!

I have 2 other folks I'd like you to say a prayer for: 1) Darlene. I met her during chemo and she's coming to Nashville from Virginia Beach to get a trial drug once every 3 weeks. She has breast cancer that has spread to her liver and her brain. This round of drugs is her 5th round of chemo drugs. She seems to be in very good spirits and she's a fighter. 2) John and Gayle Barrett (I think that's the last name). John is a cousin of my friend, Lyn. He was just diagnosed with prostate cancer that has spread throughout his body. He is just starting this journey. Please lift them both up in prayer to God, who works miracles every day.

Love and hugs to all! -