A Couple of Observations and a Confession

Why is it that every time I make a bold statement about something it always comes back to bite me? For instance: "I'm going to eat a piece of fruit every day." And sure enough, the only thing I crave after that is chocolate. Sheesh! Hold that thought......more in a minute.

Observation 1: I love when I read something in the bible and it strikes me as funny. I'm so thankful God has a sense of humor. In Joshua 4, I'm reading along and it seems to be a very solemn ceremony of Joshua picking 1 man from each of the 12 tribes. He asks each of them to go into the middle of the Jordan River and pick up a stone. In the background are the priests holding the Ark of the Covenant in the middle of the river, holding back the waters so the people don't drown. In my mind I'm wondering how heavy the thing is and if they're saying, "Would you please hurry up! My back is killing me!" When I put my serious hat on I have to believe that God gave them the strength to carry out His will. Amen? So the men each grab a stone and Joshua makes his speech about how these 12 stones will be a reminder to them that the Lord stopped the river and the people crossed over unharmed. I started laughing at verse 10: "The priests who were carrying the Ark stood in the middle of the river until all of the Lord's commands that Moses had given to Joshua were carried out. Meanwhile, the people hurried across the riverbed." Now....I know it's not hilarious or a knee-slapper, but does it strike anyone else funny that here they are in this solemn ceremony and once Joshua gives the word the people "hurried" across? Can't you just see and hear some of them now? "Let's get on across honey. You never know how long that thang will hold!" (In my mind they all have southern accents!) Isn't it interesting that God Himself is present with them, almost in physical form and it seems that some of them still have doubts that He can do what He says He can do? Thank goodness it's not just me!

Observation 2: I'm not healing up as fast as I'd like. My bones hurt. I didn't realize until halfway through the chemo treatments that the chemo gets into your bone marrow. Therefore, you can feel as though you have flu-like body aches. Also, my hair isn't growing back yet. I remember my Momma saying to my Daddy over the years, "You can't take a pill and expect to see a miracle." I guess it's true about recovery too. After my last chemo I thought I'd bounce right back and be my ole, (not OLD) self again. **Sigh** If you see me get up out of a chair or at church and it looks like I'm 84, it's because I FEEL 84 some days. This too shall pass. I hope.

OK.....back to my confession. Remember when I said in one of my earlier blogs, "I hate the color pink"? Well.......I have to say it's not all that bad anymore. Now don't go buyin' me any pink stuff. I don't like it THAT much. But I found a cute background for my phone that's beige and light pink. Baby steps...... And I'm still not going to be wearing it ('cause it still looks horrible on me) but I don't detest it like I once did. And forgive me if I've already said this once before, but does anybody remember (I know you will, Angie Bowman) the line in Steel Magnolias about pink? "My colors are blush and bashful." "Her colors are pink and pink. The sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol." Love, love, love that movie. There are so many good lines in it.

Have a great weekend!

Radiation, Follow Up Appointment and Surgery....Again

Hi everybody! I hope you all are staying warm and have thawed out from all the snow.

Let me start out with another big thank you. Yesterday at church, Mark Adams preached on the power of prayer, hope and forgiveness. I have certainly felt the power of prayer over the last 9 1/2 months. I know without a doubt that I never could've gotten through this without the prayers, hugs, notes and support from my friends and family. I was looking for a scripture about prayer and I ran across so many that said, "God answered their prayer" or "God heard their prayer." God DOES hear and answer our prayers. And I cannot thank you enough for your prayers on behalf of me. I am completely honored and humbled.

I had 3 appointments today and I'll start with radiation.

Radiation is quick and painless. There is nothing invasive about it. In fact, I don't even know when it's happening. I get undressed from the waist up. Then I go to the table and lie face up. They put a ring around my shoes to keep my legs still and then proceed to move the table and the radiation machine around until it's in the correct spot. The radiation tech (not sure what to call her) says, "I'll be right back." Then she leaves the room. I hear some noises and the machine moves around to behind my shoulder blade. The machine makes some more noises, then she comes back in and says, "Ok. You're all done." It literally takes less than 10 minutes. So far I can't tell any difference in my skin. They say that after about 2 weeks you start to get a burn on your skin or even a rash. It can also make you tired after a couple of weeks. Today was my 5th treatment. 30 more to go. If all goes well I will be done February 28th. That's a great way to start one of my favorite months, March.

One of my other appointments today was a follow up with Dr. Yardley. I had my last chemo 3 weeks ago tomorrow. They drew blood, as always. My blood counts looked great except for the red blood cell count. She said it was a tad low, but sometimes that happens with radiation.

She wasn't concerned. She gave me a prescription for Tamoxifen. It's an estrogen blocker that I will take for 5 years. She said the main side effect was hot flashes. I'm already having those due to the chemo. She said they might get worse, but there are medications I can take if they get too bad. She asked if I'd like to go ahead and get a prescription for the hot flashes, but I said I'd wait to see how bad they get. I don't want to take another pill if I don't have to. I go back to see her in 8 weeks. Following that, I'll see her every 3 months up until 2 years after the diagnosis, which was April 12, 2010. After that, it will go to every 6 months. At the 5 year mark, I will only see her 1 time a year.

I asked about having a breast reduction. I was considering it before I was diagnosed but with the cancer, I had to wait. She said I would need to ask Dr. Hunt, the radiation oncologist. Evidently the radiation takes awhile to get out of your system and can cause the breast tissue to harden and become hard to work with. She said as far as the chemo goes, I could have it done now. But I need to wait until the radiation "damage" has cleared up. As I recall, Dr. Cooper said I'd have to wait 6 months to a year. I'll see what Dr. Hunt says and make my decision then. I'd like to have it done this year. With the radiation and another surgery on the horizon, I will most certainly meet my deductible and out of pocket maximum with the insurance company. Therefore, a breast reduction later in the year won't cost me anything out of pocket.

I am having yet another surgery next Monday. But I'm more than happy to have this one. I am having my port removed. And can.....not.......wait! The port site, at least 1 time a day, either itches or throbs. It freaks me out a little to think of a foreign object sewn to my chest wall. I'm very happy to have it removed. I went to the hospital this morning to have my pre-admission testing done. Which means more blood drawn. I also had to have an EKG. I'm not sure why and I didn't ask. But the results normal.

So......after 2 pricks with a needle, I'm not drinking much water today. I'm afraid my arm will turn into a watering can. :)

My next appointment with Dr. Yardley is March 15th. Until then, all I have to do is go downtown Monday-Friday at 11:30 for radiation and have my port out next Monday. I am very happy to have this break.

The next thing on my agenda is to plan my "after cancer" party and plan a vacation for the Spring. I'm ready for warm weather and the beach in some tropical location. Hawaii? The Bahamas? Not sure yet, but where ever it is, I'll have a smile a mile wide.

Everyone have a great week! -

Chemo #6 and Radiation

Hello and Happy New Year!

I hope you are looking forward to a new year. Many of you are looking back on this last year and thinking it was a pretty good year. I'm not one of those people. I'm ready to get this last year as far behind me as possible.

Chemo #6 went off much like the others. Dr. Yardley seemed pleased with my progress. Nothing was mentioned about my blood counts so I'm assuming they were fine. She talked about her Christmas and how her family all converged on her house and how she was rushed to get home the night before Christmas Eve and how she never gets out of work on time. It made me wonder why we do it the same way year after year. Every year I think I will take more time to visit with people and focus on God more during the season and every year my focus gets lost in buying gifts and cooking and working hard so I can take a day or two off.

I asked her when I could get my port removed. I've heard people keep them for 6 months to years after chemo. I expected her to say 6 months. She said a couple of weeks. I was thrilled! She said as long as I'm recovered from the chemo and get by the point where my immune system is low (7-10 days after chemo) I can have it removed. I can't wait. It's itching and starting to bug me. She also said I would come back to visit her in 3 weeks and at that time they will start me on Tamoxifen, the drug that blocks the estrogen that caused the cancer in the first place. Her office has called Dr. Cooper's office to schedule my port removal. His surgery scheduler was on vacation last week so I should find that out next week.

I went to the chemo room and was greeted by some of my favorite nurses, Kelly and Lindsey. I have pictures to post but can't seem to locate the cord for my camera to download the pictures. I sat in my usual corner chair and got all hooked up. The thought of going back to do it one more time makes me want to throw up. I was given a large IV bag of Benedryl. The next bag was being hooked up when I felt a very sick feeling come over me. I told Kelly I was feeling sick and I stood up. I had to grab Angie's hands to stay steady. I rushed to the bathroom and there, for the 1st time since chemo started, I threw up. Afterward, I felt fine. I guess it was the excitement of it being the last chemo or maybe it was the breakfast I ate. I went on with the rest of the chemo. Several of my family members came to celebrate with me. Momma and Daddy stayed home because it was going to be so crowded but I know they were there in spirit and so thankful it's over for me too. Greta, Jennifer, Angie, Tim, Sloane, Megen, Scott and my friend Carolyn all came to visit. Greta and Jennifer made cookies and snacks and signs that said, "To Celebrate Candy Grissom's last chemo!" The food was excellent and I slept through most of it.

I went back the next day to get my Neulasta shot. I hugged my favorite nurses and even cried with one of them. But it was a thankful cry. Thankful that I never have to go back. I have vowed to never have chemo again. My life will have to depend on it. And even then I'll have to think about it. Chemo is ugly business.

After I got my shot, I drove over 1 block to the doctor's building and saw Cathy, the lady who does sample scans and gets patients ready for radiology. I was taken immediately back to a CT scan machine and asked to take everything off from the waist up. She had me lay in the machine and proceeded to position me in the machine the way I'll have to lay for radiation. She marked on me with some kind of marker. I'm pretty sure it was a Sharpie. She marked me in 3 different places around my waist: left, middle and right. She said they were so I could be lined up in the machine correctly. She then called the doctor in. Dr. Hunt was on vacation so Dr. Gray came in. He marked my right breast in 3 areas. So I have 6 marks on me. Cathy marked over them with 'indelible' ink (I had to look it up; it means cannot be erased). Then she put tape over each mark. She said as I bathe they will eventually come off, but to keep marking over them with a sharpie. She doesn't care what color it is or how big the markings are; I just need to make sure they stay on throughout radiation. She then placed my right arm above my head and took some sample scans. She said Dr. Hunt would look at the scans and be able to make a mold of my arm to lay in during radiation. She said it would take him close to a week to get it made, then I'll come back to test it out with her. After that visit, I can begin radiation immediately.

I will have 35 radiation visits. I asked about having my port removed while on radiation and they said it's not a problem at all. If I have to miss a visit, they will add it to the end of treatment. The important thing is that I get 35 visits in. Each visit should last 15 minutes. It will take me longer to get downtown than for each visit. But I'm not complaining. Radiation should be a breeze compared to chemo.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that the chemo is over. And I'm anxious to get radiation started and finished as well. Even though it's been a tough year, it has gone by quickly. Thank God. If it had drug out much longer I don't think I would've lasted. I have had it so much easier than some folks. But as I've said all along, it's all relative. What you are going through at the time may seem like nothing compared to what I've gone through, but if it touches you and makes your life hard, then it's hard. Period. I can't wish for your battle and you certainly don't want mine. I read one time that our God-given tests have our names on them. If I thought I had a leg to stand on, I'd have a bone to pick with God about this one having my name on it. As it stands though, I have almost made it through and my determined purpose will be to use it for His glory and to learn to live in His presence. I have finally learned the meaning of Psalm 27:4, "One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." It's all I really have. And without it, I'm done.

So, the new year is right before me. There is much to look forward to: new hair, a celebration after radiation is over, a vacation, church camp, and hopefully not nearly as many days in doctor's offices and hospitals. I am looking forward to Spring more than ever before. Fall used to be my favorite time of year, but after this last one, I'm not so sure anymore. It will take awhile for me to make friends with that season again.

Happy New Year and may God bless you all richly. -

Chemo #5--Straight Talk About Depression and Other Side Effects

Hello!

I hope everyone is having a good December so far. It's COLD outside! Even with the hot flashes that sometimes occur during chemo, I still don't like the cold weather. When it's too hot in the summer and I'm sweating buckets from the humidity, it's just uncomfortable. But the cold HURTS! Every muscle in my body tenses up and it's hard to move.

But I have to say I love the changing seasons. I just wish it would start warming up right after Christmas. :)

Several weeks ago after my 3rd chemo, I began experiencing what I called panic attacks. It happened after the 1st and 2nd chemo visits, but not as bad. By the 3rd treatment, I was crying non-stop, my heart was racing, my thoughts were out of control, and I felt as though I were on a merry-go-round. I couldn't gain control over my thoughts or even make them go in 1 direction. I believe to some extent that it was spiritual warfare. However, I'm just smart enough to question whether the chemo was playing a roll in it as well, especially considering I don't have panic attacks when I'm not on chemo.

Let me say that while I believe some doctors hand out anti-depressants like Tic Tacs, there are some very legitimate reasons to be on anti-depressants. If you are on them, that's between you and God and your doctor. I'm not God and I'm not your judge. I only mention it because until it got really bad and I was finding it hard to function, I never considered them. Now, however, I am a firm believer in them in the right circumstances.

I made a call to Dr. Yardley the week after my 3rd chemo treatment. I let her know that I was crying constantly, and I work with all MEN! I promised myself when I took this job that they would never see me cry. For some reason, men don't know quite how to react to that. Other side effects of panic attacks are paranoia and not wanting anything or anyone to touch me. I nearly ripped those hats and headscarves off my head a time or two. I couldn't remember anything like going through a stop light. I'd question myself 3 or 4 times after passing it, wondering if it was green or red.

Anyway....she decided to call in 2 prescriptions for me to try out: Pristiq for every day, and Xanax to take as needed. She said the Xanax would start working immediately and the Pristiq would take 3-4 weeks to get into my system. I took 1 of each that afternoon when I got home. I wasn't sure what side effects they would have and if they were bothersome, I didn't want to be at work when they occurred. Thankfully, the only side effect is sleepiness with the Xanax. The Pristiq has caused no side effects up to this point. I am feeling more like myself, actually wanting to go places again and not faking my way through the hugs and smiles. It was awful. A time or two as I was sitting in church, I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I had to remember my Momma's words to me when Angie was in the hospital having Megen 2 months early and I came in the hospital room crying: "Dry it up." There is a time and a place to let the tears come and mine was in the shower. I still look forward to kneeling on the shower floor, letting the warm water rush over me. It's one of the most comforting positions to be in, especially when it includes prayer, inviting God to come in and invade every inch of my mind, body and soul.

I have since found out that the steroids they give you during chemo are a stimulant and have been known to cause anxiety and panic attacks. The amounts they give are so great to combat inflammation and nausea. But the side effects are anxiety and insomnia.

Other side effects from the chemo that I've noticed and will go away once treatment stops are a racing heart. I can't wait across the room without feeling out of breath. I also have hot flashes and (WARNING GUYS: COMPLETE GIRL TALK HERE!) my periods have stopped.

Other than that, the only other thing I've noticed is my fingernails have started getting white lines across them and are cracking from top to bottom. I have decided to go with fakes until after chemo, when I will diligently nurse them back to health.

One more chemo to go and it's right after Christmas. So unless something is around the corner waiting to knock me down, I should be feeling pretty good for Christmas.

I have an appointment next week to go to the Radiation Oncologist (Dr. Hunt) to talk about when radiation will start and to get the mold made for my arm to lay in the radiation machine. I will blog about that visit next week and explain in more detail what happens during radiation.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week! -

Immanuel, God With Us

Hello friends. I was thinking today that I haven't posted in a couple of weeks about my progress with the cancer. It's just that things are going really well right now. There's not much progress to report.

I have an appointment with Dr. Yardley in the morning, then chemo #5 next Tuesday, the 7th. This last chemo went really well and I was hardly sick at all, besides this on-going sinus crud. I think a lot of folks are battling it though. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self today and am looking forward to this weekend. I have joined a Knitter's Fellowship with some of the ladies from Old Hickory Church of Christ and we get together on Thursday nights. It's so much fun and a guaranteed laugh or two. Friday night is the annual Ward girls dinner at my house. We have been doing this for the last few years and look forward to it every year. I make a standing rib roast, mashed potatoes, salad and dessert. Then we play cards or dominoes and have a blast. It's just Momma and her girls. I love them so much and can't wait for our time together. Then a hockey game with the Old Hickory Youth Group. They are some of the best kids in the world, hands down. They are sweet, funny, good looking and love the Lord. They have a great leader in Mark Adams. Scott and I adore them all and look forward to our time with them. And I think it's so very sweet of them to remember me in their prayers, which they do constantly. I'm just getting to know some of them but they are all very special to me.

So.....since I really don't have much news to share on the cancer front, I thought it would be fitting to begin wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Someone posted on their facebook status today that it's not Xmas. It's Christmas. They said, "Don't take Christ's name out of His own birthday." I agree. Christ should be the center of all our thoughts as we go through the year. I grew up hearing that we don't really know when He was born. However, December 25th works just fine for me. Stopping to reflect on the miracle of His birth is what I look forward to in December. As an adult, I'm trying much more to shine the light of Christ throughout Christmas.

Matthew 1: 23 repeats the prophecy found in Isaiah 7: "The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel." Immanuel, as you may know, means God with us. Several people told me to buy a book called God Calling when I was diagnosed with cancer. I bought the devotional/journal book and have enjoyed it a lot. A constant theme throughout the book is God's presence with us. It's been a long time since I've let the fact that God never leaves us and is always with us roll around in my head. God with us.....hmmm...

I could use a 'with me' God.

When my eyes lazily open in the morning, before my feet even hit the ground.....God is with me.

When I drive to work and sing along with the radio and try not to cuss at the folks driving around me, cutting me off, putting on their makeup, going too slow for my taste......God is with me.

When I walk into my office and I have 4 installers waiting to talk to me, my desk phone and cell phone ringing and ringing and ringing........God is with me.

When I talk to vendors who angrily want their money and can't promise me product........God is with me.

When my email won't stop coming and I have bank statements up to my ears to balance.......God is with me.

When I go for chemo and the smell nearly knocks me out and makes me sick to my stomach......God is with me.

When I am home from chemo and the sight and smell of food nearly makes me throw up......God is with me.

When I get in the shower and kneel down and let the warm water fall over my body because it's the only position I can get in that feels better..........God is with me.

When I go to church and get lots and lots of good hugs and well wishes......God is with me.

When I get medical bills in the mail that astound me........God is with me.

When I celebrate Thanksgiving and other holidays, or just get together with my family and friends.........God is with me.

When a best friend sends me a text that reads, "Praying 4 u today,"..........God is with me.

When I call my Momma and I hear her sweet voice almost sing, "Hi baby!"........God is with me.

When I laugh and laugh and laugh with my sister and niece..........God is with me.

When I go bowling with the youth group and laugh until I almost cry..........God is with me.

When I sit down to Cracker Barrel biscuits and gravy (blessing!!)...........God is with me.

When I lay down in the bed at night.........God is with me.

I can sure use a "with me" God. And the more I realize He is with me, the more I desire to be with Him, where ever He wants me in this life, on whatever path He has put in front of me to walk. Psalm 26:8 says, "Lord, I love the house where you live, the place where your glory dwells."

God is with us, this season and always. Are we with Him?

An Invitation to be Thankful

"In the palace, in the land of mercy, the king looked down from His throne. He saw the sick and the homeless and hungry. He saw me lost and without hope. And moved with compassion He sent out His only son with the invitation...to come.

So I stood outside the gates and trembled in my rags of unworthiness; afraid to even stand at a distance in the presence of holiness. And just as I turned to go, the gate swung open wide. And the King and His only Son....they invited me inside.

This is your invitation. Come just the way you are. Come find what your soul has been longing for. Come find your peace. Come join the feast. Come in. This is the invitation.

So now will you come with me to where the gate swings open wide. The King and His only Son are inviting us inside. ~Steven Curtis Chapman, "The Invitation".

As young children we are taught to say please and thank you. Somehow, through our adult life, we forget those simple words. "Please excuse me" turns into "move" and "thank you" turns into "it's about time!" We all seem to grow up and lose sight of our manners and our up-bringin'.

Once a year we stop and are thankful and we vow to carry it over into our lives in the new year. But the new year comes and school and work and troubles creep in and somehow the thankfulness we felt in November has dimmed to the light of an almost burned out flashlight. With each step it gets dimmer and dimmer until we are left walking in darkness. We eventually trip over something in the road and that is where we should drop to our smooth, unworn knees and begin thanking God. Most of us, though, skip over the thanking and head straight to the "get me up from here" prayers. We could stand a little more time on our knees. I love to see kids with skinned up knees. It means they've been out playing and falling down and running and jumping and living life like a kid should. I love it more when I see the scars and scrapes and cuts of adults who have lived out something down on their knees. And when they get up, they limp a little because wrestling something out with God can take it's toll on a person. But you see, when God allows or even invites His children to wrestle with Him, His constant goal is to make us over-comers. Even when God appears to be against us, He is for us.

"We are to walk as people who have encountered God, and some of our most transforming encounters are wrestling matches."

So keep up a thankful spirit this year and into the next. You never know what's around your next corner. There could be blessing untold and I pray that it is. But it could be a dark season, with the loss of a child, a job, a home, a family or your health. Thank the good Lord above for the things you do have. And if you're having trouble finding something for which to be thankful, drop on down to your knees and look at your life from a little lower place. When your nose is to the ground, you might just be closer to your promised land than you ever dreamed.

Happy Thanksgiving and may God bless you all richly. -

Chemo #3-Stand Your Ground

I love mashed potatoes. They fall under the category of "blessing" in my book. Due to the chemo and the sickness I've felt after each treatment, mashed potatoes have been my bread AND my water. And as much as I love mashed potatoes, I'm getting a little tired of them.

God seems to work that way in my life as well. Sometimes I will hear a sermon, study a lesson, or in passing have a conversation with someone and the theme is always the same. That's when I know God Most High is trying to tell me something. Don't tell me it's a coincidence. It's a God-incidence. God speaks to me in a language I understand and He knows how hard headed I can be. Therefore, in His patience and everlasting love, He brings up a point to me time after time, until I finally understand and it sinks into the marrow of my bones and I can live the thing out.

Chemo #3 has been nothing out of the ordinary physically. But mentally, emotionally and spiritually, it has taken it's toll. The point I believe God is making to me is to stand. My good friend, Tammy, brought it up to me today. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you what you've been thinking all along. God is good that way and He is urging His children to believe that He is believable.

For those who grew up in church, you've no doubt heard of the armor of God. Ephesians has always been one of my favorite books of the bible, and the armor of God described in Ephesians 6 is no small thing to me. It is how we maneuver the battles we face in life. I love how the bible describes heaven and the joy we will have there and the home that God has prepared for us. But God didn't create us and leave us here to figure it out on our own. Jesus said in John 10 that He came so that we may have life, and have it to the full. God did not create us, put us on this earth, give it a whirl and said, "I'll see you in heaven." He knew we would need some help. So, among other things, He gave us the armor of God.

I love how Paul writes what he knows. He was chained in a prison in Rome. He saw the soldiers each and every day dressed in their armor. My favorite piece of armor is the belt of truth. It comes first because the other pieces of armor hooked to the actual belt of the Roman armor. You can't wear the breastplate of righteousness and the sword of salvation without some truth to hang it on. Each piece of armor protects a major part of the body: the waist, the chest, the head, and the feet. Isn't in interesting that there is no armor for the back? Why? Because God never intended for His children to turn their back on their enemy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: we are allowed to intimidate the kingdom of darkness.

And so as God has brought me through this journey of cancer, He has driven home the point to me over and over that I must fight. Today I had no strength to fight. So I called Tammy. She is a lifelong friend whom I love dearly. I told her I was having trouble focusing and thinking. I was becoming paranoid and feeling as though my life will never be the same again. Praise God that through His blessing, all can be recovered.

As I was talking to her about how I believe God has asked me to fight this battle and how I've prayed to keep my armor on, she said to me, "Oh Candy. It also says to stand and we will hold you up if you can't stand." She's right. 4 times in Ephesians 6:11-14, the word stand is used. I recalled how in Exodus 17, Aaron and Hur held up the arms of Moses while the Israelites battled the Amalekites because as long as he held his arms up the Israelites were winning. And he got tired so his friends held up his arms for him.

Praise God that our weaknesses do not strain His strength and that what we see with our eyes and understand with our minds is not the only thing God has going. We talked today about the the spiritual battles going on all around us. John Eldridge writes referring to Daniel 10: 1-3, "Something has happened that Daniel doesn't understand. I think we can all relate to that. We don't understand about 90% of what happens to us, either. Daniel is troubled. He sets out to get an answer. But three weeks of prayer and fasting produce no results. What is he to conclude? If Daniel were like most people, by this point he'd probably be headed towards one of two conclusions: "I'm blowing it", or, "God is holding out on me." He might try confessing every sin and petty offense, in hopes of opening up the lines of communication with God. Or, he might withdraw into a sort of disappointed resignation, drop the fast, and turn on the television. In an effort to hang onto his faith, he might embrace the difficulty as part of "God's will for his life." He might read a book on "the silence of God." That's the way the people I know handle this sort of thing.

And he would be dead wrong.

On the 21st day of the fast an angel shows up, out of breath. In a sort of apology the angel explains to Daniel that God had actually dispatched him in answer to Daniel's prayers the very first day he prayed - three weeks ago. (There goes the whole unanswered prayer thesis, right out the window). Three weeks ago? What is Daniel to do with that? "The very first day? But....I've....I mean, thank you so very much, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but......where have you been?" "You haven't blown it, Daniel, and God isn't holding out on you." The angel goes on to explain that he was locked in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel, a demonic power of dreadful strength, who kept him out of the Persian kingdom for these three weeks, and how he finally had to go get Michael (the great Archangel, the Captain of the Lord's hosts) to come and help him break through enemy lines. "Now I am here, in answer to your prayer. Sorry its taken so long."

It is a good thing to stop and remember that God is completely in control and that He never asks His children to do something and then not provide the strength to carry it out. And sometimes though the battle rages on around us, God only asks us to stand. Steven Curtis Chapman's song Believe Me Now says, "You hear the enemy that's closing in around you and I know that you don't have the strength to fight. But do you have the faith to stand?"

Thank you Tammy, for allowing God to use you and for all the prayer warriors you called upon to help me stand today. Y

-