However, I also hate that my life parallels their journey. In my first sentence out of the gate of this blog I wrote, "It's not that I hate the color pink." I've changed my mind. I now can say with surety that I HATE the color pink. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month as you probably know. I'm pretty sure we're all well aware of it by now. Somebody needs to find a cure for the thing! I hate that the journey the Israelites took was so long. I hate that I can look at it from my 21st century point of view and say, "Don't they get it? Don't they understand?" And I know full well that if I'd been there with them I'd have gotten myself into the same messes. It's like watching a horror movie and saying, "Nooooo! Don't go into the scary basement by yourself!" I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate that seasick feeling I get from it. And I hate the middle of the journey.
My Momma will tell you that when we'd go on a trip anywhere--and I mean anywhere--I'd continually whine, "How much further?" I hate the journey. I just want to get where I'm going without any stops along the way. I was fortunate enough to go to Hawaii 2 years ago and besides the blisters I got from walking on hot pavement in cheap flip flops, the flight was definitely the worst part. 10 hours on a plane with me was no picnic. I fidget. I whine. I look for things to occupy my mind and my time. I can't read in the car because I get carsick. Throwing up was an almost weekly occurrence. (Be sure to ask my sister, Angie, why she hates Krystal to this day and my Momma why she thought I was allergic to chocolate when I was little).
In Joshua 3, the Israelites are standing at the edge of the Jordan river. We're all familiar with the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and God parting the waters of the Red Sea. This is another less familiar story of God parting the waters for His children. At the end of Joshua 3, Joshua tells the people of Israel, "As soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord--the Lord of all the earth--set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap." I love that Joshua makes it very clear that the ark of the Lord is the Lord of all the earth. And don't you love that word 'heap'? I've heard of a heap o' trouble (and I've been in a heap o' trouble, but I'll save that blog post for my Momma to write!) but I've never heard of a heap of water. The bible says the Jordan was at flood stage. Those who live in Nashville or saw it on the news back in the spring remember the Cumberland River being past flood stage. That was a heap of water!
I've read this story probably a hundred times. But somehow I missed the last verse of chapter 3. "The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completely crossed on dry ground." How did I miss the part where the Lord's presence was "standing firm" in the middle of the Jordan?
The Hebrew word for firm is kuwn (koon) and it means ready, fixed, set, certain and to be stable. My seasick stomach and I could use a little stability right now. I think my favorite definition of the word is accomplish. Don't you just want God to accomplish some things in your life? Can we just finish some things up?
I've told some of the members of my family that after I finish radiation we're going to have a party. It's going to be Candy's After Cancer No Pink Allowed Party. But for now I'm in the middle. And like every other journey in my life, I'm wanting to be finished. I want to get to my destination.
In Joshua 4, God commands the Israelites to collect 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan and set up a memorial that God parted the waters yet again. As one of the ministers at Hendersonville church of Christ used to say, confession is good for the soul; bad for the reputation. So here's my question and confession: Did any of them dare grumble like I would have? Did any of them say, "Oh, for cryin' out loud! Can't we just get a move on?" I don't know. But it sure sounds like something I'd say.
My 3rd chemo treatment got rescheduled for Monday, the 25th. My family has a gathering at the park every October and I love it better than Christmas and Thanksgiving. We get there early and cook breakfast. People bring crockpots full of chili and we bring hot dogs and sit around the fire and we draw names for Christmas. And one of my favorite activities is the annual Ward family kickball game. We laugh until we cry (or pee on ourselves) and we have a ball. We stay until dark and before it's over I'm already thinking of next year's day in the park. I told Dr. Yardley about it and asked if I could have a mini dose of chemo so that I'd feel good for Saturday. She suggested that I wait until Monday to have chemo. I understand why she made the suggestion and I appreciate it so much. She said she's a bigger advocate for my Saturday than I am. But it was a stop in the middle of this journey. And I whined about it. The reason for my whining? I just want to get it over with. I didn't want to postpone it. I'm dying to get this journey over with. The end of December (when my last chemo is scheduled) can't come soon enough.
There are people out there who say, "Just sit back and enjoy the ride." Why?! I don't understand. I have some very dear friends who will hop in their car in Nashville and drive to Atlanta to the Varsity for a hamburger and then drive back home. I don't understand. I know people who like to take Sunday drives. I don't understand. That's precious nap time! I know people who love to read books and devour every page. I don't understand. Just tell me what the plot is and whodunit.
When I had my 5 surgeries back in the summer (yep, I added them up! 5 surgeries in 3 1/2 months!) I would come home from the hospital and would lay on the couch. I would try my hardest to stay awake. I think I was afraid I was gonna miss something. That might be why I hate journeys. I'm afraid something is happening out there, lingering in my future and if I don't get there soon, I'm gonna miss it.
So I have to remind myself that God is standing in the middle watching over my every move. And if I move too far ahead without Him, I'm toast.
I still hate the middle. But I'm learning from it. This place is not a happy place, but it is a good place to learn.
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